Introverts Are Actually Great at Networking. So Why Does It Feel So Terrible?

There's a story a lot of introverted professionals tell about themselves, and it goes something like this: I'm just not good at networking. I hate small talk. I’m just someone who won't “work the room,” so networking will never really be my thing.

The tragic irony is that many of these people are some of the best relationship builders I’ve ever met. I personally love connecting with them, and after I scratch the surface, they have a very rich, meaningful set of relationships that feed their life. So there’s some big disconnect here, and I think I’ve identified it. 

The disconnect is between what people were taught about networking and what networking strategies actually work for real, everyday people. This has inspired me to build a completely new framework, which I call “Network Selfishly.”

You’re not bad at it; you just need to find YOUR way of doing things

When most people say "I'm bad at networking," what they mean is: I don’t like the high-pressure, performance rituals called “networking” and I feel awkward when I try to do that stuff.” Yet, what’s funny is that I also hear over and over again, “I know I should network more” or something to that effect. There’s a powerful, repelling force around this series of behaviors, and yet we all know it’s good for us. 

For whatever reason, sales, networking, and all that jazz is usually taught from a naturally extroverted, professional salesperson who already has a strong methodology that works for them. It’s also almost always taught as a series of techniques and formulas that can feel disingenuous and maybe mechanical. By contrast, they don’t feel natural or flexible. They don’t feel dynamic enough to adapt to different audiences or stages of your career. Something in me has always suspected there was a better way to do this, and I think I’ve found it.

Let’s talk about introverts

It’s thought that 30-50% of the population are introverts, meaning they derive energy from solitude and usually silence. They like to journal and read, think about things alone, maybe even travel by themselves. They’re also known for being thoughtful, strategic, and strong listeners. When you take a look at the rituals of networking, these characteristics actually perform very well. 

For example, when people are great listeners, the conversation feels much richer. I feel heard and seen, they’ve given me space to be more of myself, and I have a better impression of them overall. 

Another example is curiosity. I know many introverts who are deep thinkers and generally curious about the world. When an introvert applies that attribute to networking, what usually comes out are really amazing questions that feel sincere and inviting. A well-crafted question can shift a conversation entirely, and even have a whole class I teach on how to ask “powerful questions.” But consider the difference in the conversation with or without a well-placed, thoughtful question.  It would be a completely different interaction, right?

This is why introverts are great at networking

When I review studies on networking behaviors and benefits, the findings suggest that it’s more valuable to invest in fewer, higher-quality relationships. Researchers also talk about how the quality of our relationships (not the number of them) determines our health, wealth, and happiness in surprising and profound ways. 

The “new thinking” is actually very, very old

When I hear thought leaders talk more about creating connections and relationships, I start to tune in.  I think they’re 100% right, but what bothers me a lot is that we need to be taught that what humans have been doing for thousands of years is somehow new. We have always collaborated as a species to survive and thrive, and what we call “networking” now is simply a modern version of the age-old necessity to be in community.

No network = not good for you

I encounter people and clients on a monthly basis whose networks are actually the key to their next level of success. There are SO many things a network does for you, even if you strip away sales and referrals from the conversation. They support you, they guide you, they encourage you, they inspire you. These are all essential nutrients to a vibrant work life, IMHO.

So, yeah. If you opt out of networking altogether, you’re opting out of the opportunities that would actually suit you. If you assume the only way to build a network is the way that drains you, so why bother. Meanwhile, the quiet, consistent relationship-building you're naturally good at goes underutilized when it could be a superpower! 

BTW: You’re already networking

Let me approach these topics from a different angle. 

I had a client once who spent the better part of a year convinced she needed to "get better at networking." She'd been avoiding conferences, dreading the follow-up emails, talking herself out of reaching out to people she genuinely liked and respected. She felt so guilty and burdened by this uncompleted task; I could clearly see it draining away her joy and energy. (Aren’t our lives complicated and hard enough without wasted energy sucks?) 

When we actually mapped her network (the real one, not the one she thought “counted”) it was extraordinary. Deep relationships across three firms. Former colleagues who would have recommended her for anything. Clients who'd referred her multiple times. She had an incredible network, already, and she hadn’t realized it.

The problem isn't ability. It's the wrong frame.

So, yeah. I don’t know why the ideal persona of the social butterfly persists as the ideal networking-type person, but it’s an enduring story in the corporate world. I propose we can do this networking thing better, more naturally, and with less effort with a new framework. 

So what do you do with this?

Start by auditing what you're already doing.

Who do you check in on not because you need something, but because you genuinely care how they're doing? Who comes to mind when you hear about an opportunity that isn't right for you but would be perfect for them? Whose work do you follow closely, not because you have to, but because you respect it?

That's your network. It's already there.

The next step isn't to become someone who loves small talk. It isn't to start attending every event on your calendar and working the room until you've exhausted yourself into a shell of a person.

It's to get intentional about what you're already doing well and build a strategy around that. One that fits how you're actually wired.

And if you’d like guidance and a framework to help you figure out the process, come join us in the first cohort of Networking IS for Introverts (and other awesome people), which starts on Thursday, May 7. This program isn’t about becoming a different kind of networker. It’s about finally using the kind you already are.

Here's the question I'd love to sit with you on: What's one relationship in your professional life that you've maintained without ever calling it networking?

Drop it in the comments. I suspect you'll surprise yourself.