What If Networking Wasn’t About Everyone Else?

A lot of professionals use the word “networking.” It lands somewhere between “why would I do that?” and “please kill me now.”

You know you should do it. You know it matters. And yet, there’s this… feeling that follows you around—at conferences, in your inbox, where you mean to respond to but somehow never do. “Networking” has become a task, a necessary evil, an obligation, a thing you owe to your career but never quite feel like paying.

I want to offer you a different mindset on it. And fair warning: it sounds a little counterintuitive at first.

What if networking was “selfish?” Not for the job or company, but for You?

The wording I choose is deliberate. Here, “selfish” does not mean the zero-sum, take-what-you-can-get game. But “selfish” in the way that it is for you, as in you are the primary beneficiary. This goes beyond putting your oxygen mask on first. This is “selfish” as being intentional, self-aware, and ultimately better for everyone around you.

This is the core idea behind my proprietary framework, “Networking Selfishly.” This philosophy and approach helps build professional relationships that serve a real purpose for you and yours, rather than collecting connections out of obligation, anxiety, or the vague fear that if you don’t, you’ll lose your job or next promotion.

We were taught wrong

Most of us were taught that networking is about showing up, being likable (whatever that means), exchanging business cards, and playing a long game we didn't fully understand. 

We were never taught to ask: 

• What do I actually need from this? 

• What kind of connection would genuinely move things forward for me? 

• What does my version of a powerful network even look like?

Those questions feel almost rude to ask. And that’s exactly the problem.

When networking becomes a barrier to life

I worked with a client not long ago who had essentially stopped networking altogether. It wasn’t laziness or indifference; it was exhaustion. Over time, every networking opportunity she’d said yes to out of duty had quietly piled up into something heavier. It went from hesitance to dread to outright terror. That sounds tragic, right? Fear. It was the kind of thing where she would RSVP to an event and then find a reason–ANY reason–not to go. This cost her countless relationships and opportunities she simply couldn’t find within herself to say yes to.

I saw something different. Once we dug into her story, she had definitely not “failed” at networking. She’d been doing a version of it that was never designed for her, what she wanted, and what she ultimately believed in. It was draining her and affecting more than her work life.

Not only was she trying to live up to someone else’s standard of the extroverted, always-on, work-the-room person,but her perspective on networking was harming her. Worse, it was negatively affecting how she viewed herself. The more she pushed herself forward, the more she dreaded it. The more she dreaded it, the more she avoided it, until avoidance became the default.

In our coaching session, what shifted for her wasn’t motivation. It was permission.

Permission to stop performing and look around. The permission to explore what actually fit her energy, her goals, her way of connecting. Once the framework reoriented around purpose instead of obligation (pressure), everything changed. I’m not joking. It changed in a matter of seconds. It was incredible to watch!

Suddenly, she found new ideas and new energy. She later told me she found a networking group that genuinely felt like “home.” She started accepting projects and opportunities that previously would have sent her running. She went from dreading the word to feeling, for the first time, like she actually had room to expand.

In all humility, this is the type of story I live to hear, as a business development coach and growth strategist. This is what keeps me getting out of bed in the morning!

Everything changes when obligation becomes a tool you know how to use

Here’s the shift: networking stops being a task and starts being a tool.

No, no. Just wait a second.  Listen to that again. When networking stops being a task, it can become a tool. And I argue, it can become so much more!

A task is something you owe. A tool is something you use with intention toward a specific outcome. 

But when you approach networking as a tool, the first question isn’t “What am I doing here?” or “How do I get better at small talk?” The task expands and becomes richer. You start to ask, “What do I really want right now?” , and, “Who could help me get there?”

If you are committed to a vision, a mission, your craft, or your clients, those words can supercharge your next business growth cycle. No joke.

Those questions change everything. They turn networking from an open-ended, vaguely anxious obligation into something specific, manageable, and strategic. Saying “no” to the wrong things becomes easier because you’re clear on what the right networking opportunity looks like. It stops the spray-and-pray approach, where you attend everything, connect with everyone, and hope something sticks. This intentional approach suddenly becomes powerful, authentic, and sustaining.

And perhaps most importantly, it gives you back the energy you’ve been hemorrhaging on networking that was never going to pay off anyway.

This advice isn’t just for introverts; it’s for everyone

I want to name something directly: while the Networking Selfishly framework tends to resonate most strongly with people who find traditional networking draining (introverts, neurodivergent professionals, people who prefer depth over breadth, those coming from non-US markets), the reframe is useful for everyone.

Even the most naturally social professionals can end up on a hamster wheel of networking activity that looks productive but isn’t strategic. Busy doesn’t mean purposeful. Connected doesn’t mean well-positioned.

At some point, most professionals realize their network is wide but not deep, or active but not aligned with where they’re actually trying to go. That’s a Networking Selfishly™ moment too.

Here’s the question I’ll leave you with

Not “Are you networking enough?” (You’ve been asked that one plenty.)

How about this: Is your networking actually working for you? Not for your job or future raises, but for you, as a living, breathing human. For your growth, your goals, your way of operating in the world.

If the honest answer is “not really,” that’s an invitation to reframe. What would it look like to network in a way that actually felt worth your time and energy? Drop your answer in the comments. I’d genuinely love to hear it.